By Steven Plaut
November 8, 2004
A tribute to the famous Monty Python sketch, updated.
Abu Mazen: Hello, I wish to register a complaint . . . Hello? Miss?
Suha: What do you mean, miss?
Abu Mazen: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Suha: Sorry, we're closing for lunch. I need to shop for 400 new shoes.
Abu Mazen: Never mind that, miss, I wish to complain about this Rais what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. You promised me a live terrorist!
Suha: Oh yes, the Jihad Green one. What's wrong with it?
Abu Mazen: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Suha: No, no it's resting, look!
Abu Mazen: Look my lad, I know a dead terrorist when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Suha: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
Abu Mazen: Resting?
Suha: Yeah, remarkable bird the Jihad Green, beautiful plumage, innit?
Abu Mazen: The plumage don't enter into it -- it's stone dead.
Suha: No, no -- it's just resting.
Abu Mazen: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Abu Amar! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Abu Amar!
Suha: (jogging cage) There it moved.
Abu Mazen: No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
Suha: I did not.
Abu Mazen: Yes, you did. (takes terrorist out of cage, shouts) Hello Abu Abu (bangs it against counter) Polly Abu, wake up. Abu (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead terrorist.
Suha: No, no, it's just stunned.
Abu Mazen: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That terrorist is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
Suha: It's probably pining for the fjords.
Abu Mazen: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Suha: The Jihad Green prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
Abu Mazen: Look, I took the liberty of examining that terrorist, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Suha: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.
Abu Mazen: Look matey (picks up Abu Amar) this terrorist wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
Suha: It's not, it's pining.
Abu Mazen: It's not pining, it's passed on. This terrorist is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late terrorist. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-terrorist.
Suha: Well, I'd better replace it then. How about a chief terrorist instead?
Abu Mazen: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Suha: Sorry guv, we're right out of chief terrorists.
Abu Mazen: I see. I see. I get the picture.
Suha: I've got a slug.
Abu Mazen: Does it talk?
Suha: Not really, no.
Abu Mazen: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then, is it?
Suha: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your terrorist for you.
Abu Mazen: Bolton eh?
Suha: Yeah.
Abu Mazen: All right.
Suha: Look, what do you want?
Abu Mazen: No I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly.
Colonel: (coming in) Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly. Silly . . . silly. Right, get on with it. Get on with it.
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