By Jack Engelhard
May 22, 2005
Finally, a crisis with star appeal, or, Israel's version of "Hollywood Wives," with Madonna smack in the middle.
This is not the usual trouble, but wouldn't it be something if, instead of all the real tsouris, this is the one that totters the government? In this corner, we have Israel's foreign minister Silvan "Steve" Shalom, and in that corner, Israel's ambassador to the U.S., Danny Ayalon.
So what's the problem? Please don't ask. I can't figure it out. The scuffle isn't even between these two men; it's between their wives. I warned you. This gets crazy. Let's keep it simple. According to reliable sources, the foreign minister's wife, Judy Nir Moses Shalom, well, she took a copy of my novel, Indecent Proposal, flushed it down the toilet, and this started rioting and stampeding all around the world.
No, wait. I've mixed up this story with another one. The real story is still about Judy. What happened? She failed to connect with Madonna when Madonna visited Israel some time ago, and she blames the American-based Israelis, the Ayalons, for the snafu. The crux of it is that Judy, wife of Israel's foreign minister, was desperately seeking Madonna.
Forget politics. There's no business like show business.
This means that I was entirely correct when, last week or so, I wrote, in this space, about Paula Abdul and Israel's ("please love me") obsession with the United States.
Israelis are star-struck. Only in Israel -- as the nation teeters -- will you find this screaming headline: RICHARD GERE IS COMING!
Back to that family feud between the Shaloms and the Ayalons -- is this good for the Jews or bad for the Jews? I say good. First, Ariel Sharon himself may have to step in to referee and that could put off the uprooting yet another three weeks, and if police have to be called in, nu! that'll be fewer police to beat up Israelis who actually believe that Israel belongs to Israel.
If dogs have to be called in to separate the bickersons, so again, fewer German Shepherds for the Gaza roundup.
But it gets better. At last, here in America, we get to see Israel with a human face. Yes, Judy Shalom is miffed, but about something else, something American. We also want to meet Madonna and Britney and for sure our wives would also throw a fit if someone forgot to mark the calendar. This, we understand. It's the other Israel that makes no sense. Time for an image makeover.
Enough already, says America, with Israel's self-portrait as victim and wimp. Where's the old swagger, the old chutzpah? We can only weep for you so much. At this rate, as defeatists, you are just another Reality TV show, and you know what happens to the losers. They get kicked off the island.
Straighten up, for crying out loud. Stand up for yourselves and we will stand with you. Fight back, as you once did, and we will cheer your victories. Respect yourselves and your people and your land and America will return that respect. Sing and we will sing with you. Dance and we will dance with you. Laugh and we will laugh with you.
Does Israel have singers? So, where are they? Why aren't they on Letterman, on Leno, on Oprah? What, no booking agents in Israel? Does Israel have dancers? So let's see them. Does Israel have comedians? What a question. From Sholem Aleichem to Milton Berle to Henny Youngman to Jerry Seinfeld, Jews invented comedy.
Yakov ("What a country!") Smirnoff came here from the Soviet Union and proved that whimsy is the best diplomacy. He kept getting invited to the White House and influenced our presidents more than the entire Kremlin leadership together. Is there a Smirnoff anywhere in the house of Israel?
True, Natan Sharansky got to know Bush, for all the good THAT diplomacy did. Zero. Without a punchline it doesn't work in America. Ask Jackie Mason.
Other nations traffic in the cult of sorrow, rage, murder and death. America and Israel are bound by our love of chayim, life and simcha, joy.
So show it -- show some pizzazz. Israel's Sima Bakhar whipped all those other world-class beauties to be named Mrs. World 2005. Is she in administrative detention or something? We haven't seen her.
The responses to my column on Paula Abdul were better than the column itself. Yes, said these readers, let's finally have Israel sunny side up. Show us your sizzle, even your silliness. That is how you win America. There was one dissenter, who asked, "Is this a popularity contest?"
You bet it is. Wars are won and lost on the battlefield of images. Remember Czechoslovakia.
Oh, and will someone please inform Mrs. Shalom that the material girl is not such hot material in America anymore?
Jennifer Lopez?now that's someone to get riled up about, enough to topple the government.
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