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Beth Goodtree Beth Goodtree is a writer specializing in political commentary, Islamism and the Middle East and also writes the occasional science and humor articles. She has a background in advertising and works as a consultant on Islamism and terrorism to a security firm. Website:
http://goodtree.theraphi.com
She may be reached at
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By Beth Goodtree
June 16, 2005
Interviewer: Glad to have you here, Your Infernal Evilness.
Antichrist: (giving off a bit of steam) Glad to be here. I've worked damned hard (excuse the little joke) to get to a point where people would accept me.
Interviewer: Could you tell us a little about that, please.
Antichrist: As you know, I like the subtle approach. Rather than appearing in my magnificently infernal true form, I choose to work through weak humans.
It all started with that accursed snake, but I learned my lesson. Never do anything half-asped.
So I moved onto Cain, but Hell, he only killed one guy. Mind you, it's not like there were a lot of people in the world then. Only 4, if I remember? So through Cain, I killed off 25% of the world. Not bad if you're a statistics slave.
Then there was Nero. My kinda guy. Loved fire.
After that, came the other Romans. Danced around naked, had holy sex orgies. Killed at least a quarter of a million Jews, including one very special one. Personally, I think that was a mistake since it turned him into a martyr with over a billion followers. But hey ho! I got not a few of his followers to commit MY INFERNAL EVIL in HIS name.
Interviewer: Speaking of that one Jew and his followers....
Antichrist: Boy, I really turned them around. I love it when a plan comes together! The Crusades, the Inquisition -- they were all my doing. Murder in the name of a loving God. You-Know-Who was not at all happy. Nothing like giving the Big Guy a bad reputation!
Interviewer: What I'd really like to discuss is your influence on today's events. Can you comment on that?
Antichrist: To paraphrase a bit of poetry, "How can I destroy the world, let me count the ways..."
Ya know I nearly did it with Hitler and Hirohito. Hirohito suffered from hubris and Hitler was a weak-minded fool. That made both of them easy to control. And while their defeat at first looked like a setback, it was merely a temporary halt to the generational foundations of evil I was building.
I even got an American involved; one who would spawn a mighty empire of leaders. U.S. Senator Prescott Bush was a director and shareholder of companies that profited from their involvement with the financial backers of Nazi Germany. Through him I had planted a seed that is blossoming today.
And then there are the Arabs and Muslims. Boy, I got to them good. And it's all part of a bigger plan.
Interviewer: Which is??
Antichrist: To take over the world, of course and turn it into a dead, burnt-out rock dedicated to evil and chaos.
Interviewer: So what's been stopping you?
Antichrist: Those do-gooders? and especially the Jews.
Interviewer: The Jews?
Antichrist: Oh yeah. They are the front line in my war against You-Know-Who. Do you know how many times I've tried to kill them off? They are the key to the whole thing.
Interviewer: How is that?
Antichrist: G-d gave his laws and teachings to them through Moses, for them to keep and share with the world. And He promised the Jewish people that as long as they kept the faith and The Word unaltered he would protect them. This is what is meant by their definition as ?chosen?. G-d chose them to be more burdened than everyone else.
But I managed to pervert that in the minds of the weak. I took the inferior-minded people and made them think that being a ?chosen? Jew meant that Jews were better than them. And it's still working today.
You got these replacement theology Christians who are so jealous of the Jews that they say that when the Bible refers to ?Israel? it really means them. And of course, the majority of Muslims hate the Jews -- in part because of this whole ?chosen? thing that I perverted in their already damaged minds.
Unfortunately for me, so as long as there is one Jew left on the planet, I'm fighting a losing battle. And as long as Israel survives, I may as well pack it in. Because of the Jews and Israel, the Messiah can come and he'd be the end of me. So destroying Israel and the Jews is the key to my success.
I almost wiped them all out with that yutz Hitler, but he was too stupid and listened to a bunch of loony astrologers. It lost him the war and by then I'd only wiped out half of all the Jews.
Interviewer: So what are you doing about the Jews today?
Antichrist: You're gonna love this. I got control over some of the most powerful leaders in the world today! And they're all set to destroy Israel.
Interviewer: Who? And How?
Antichrist: One is the grandson of that American traitor who made his family fortune funding and trading with the Nazis.
This grandson was so easy to possess. He already had hubris from the fact that he was born with a platinum spoon in his mouth. Then he did a lot of drugs and alcohol in his youth.
Nothing's easier than possessing a soul that?s drugged. Plus he belonged to that elite occult fraternity the Skull and Bones. Frankly, if I hadn't possessed him, he would have become my soldier anyway. But I was taking no chances here. I needed a human form to spread my infernal Divineness all over the world.
And humans are so incredibly dense. Why has no one seen my infernal hand behind his meteoric rise from chemically-impaired loser to President of the only super power in the world? Even his daddy's money and influence couldn't have done that alone.
Did you know I'm thinking of using 'Hanging Chad' as my middle name? Ha!
Interviewer: So what about what's going on now??
Antichrist: Well, once I possessed him and he won the 2000 election, I began operating quietly. After all, he'd need to win the 2004 election too, so I couldn't tip my hand too soon.
Now you're really gonna love this. I had my right-hand demon, Asmodai, possess Osama bin Laden way back in the 1970's. At that time, Osama was ripe for the possessing because he was a club hopping, drug using, hard drinking rich dilettante.
Now Asmodai, working through Osama, engineered 9-11. And why? Well, Osama thought it was because America was ?oppressing? him and the other Muslims. Of course this was exactly opposite from the truth. The Muslims oppress themselves. But there's nothing like a really big lie to counter the truth. And I am the King of Lies, ya know.
But the reason why I had Asmodai engineer 9-11 was to destroy Israel.
Interviewer: How can that be? Everyone knows that Israel had nothing to do with 9-11.
Antichrist: Ah but it does! Did anyone notice how fast -- within days of 9-11 -- my alter ego in the White House offered Israel as a sacrifice to the Muslims? He was the first president ever to recognize the Arab terrorists as ?legitimate? all the while saying, ?You are either with us or the terrorists.?
And it was only through my control of the liberal media that no one noticed the utter hypocrisy. Ha! And people say the Jews control the media! I hate to inform them, but I ain't a Jew.
Interviewer: So what else have you done towards your goal of destroying Israel?
Antichrist: As you might have suspected, Arafat was really one of my demons. And while he never killed more than maybe a few 10s of thousands of Jews, he did go a long way towards fooling the world into hating Israel for being a free and democratic country.
And then there was his brilliant scheme to bamboozle the world into thinking the Arabs he led were a separate and distinct people. Even when his own PLO Executive Committee Member Zuheir Muhsein told the world "There is no such thing as the Palestinian people," no one listened.
Interviewer: But, getting back to today's current affairs...
Antichrist: I don't like to brag? well, yes I do? as the possessor of the current U.S. president, I hoodwinked the majority of voting Americans into believing he supported Israel, all the while calling for the establishment of a terrorist entity in her heartland. I was brilliant.
Of course, as soon as I/He was in office once again and therefore untouchable, I let loose with my true intentions.
First there was that Terry Schiavo debacle. As the possessor of the U.S. president, I could have intervened to keep her alive. But hey, she'd been a vegetable for 15 years. I say kill her and cook her. That's what one does with vegetables.
Interviewer: (horrified) But...but....
Antichrist: (Pulling himself up to his full infernal eight of 1000 feet) But you thought I was a nice guy? Because I am suave and urbane and can chat amiably in an interview? You fool!
Listen witch, I AM the American President, and I control many others. You wanna hear what I'm gonna do about you puny do-gooders?
Already I am forcing Israel to turn herself from one country into two small islands surrounded by raving mobs of Arabs who like nothing more than decapitating Christians and Jews and rolling their heads down the street while keeping the body parts as fond memories of their debauched blood lusts.
I am going to force Israel to give up the only thing that has been protecting her all these years -- her nuclear weapons.
Then I am going to make sure that no Jews ever are allowed near the Temple Mount. If the Jews took it back, they'd have their Messiah in no time and I'd be finished.
Next I am going to make certain that Israel is destroyed. This is to make doubly sure that there is no Messiah.
And then I'm gonna go after the 'good' Christians in earnest. You think a few beheadings in Iraq are bad? Wait til you see how I'm gonna have the Muslims take over America.
Already, as the President of the US, I have the terror-supporting radical Islamist group CAIR as my advisors. I have radical Muslims as my Army chaplains. I have nice barbecues with the founders and supporters of radical Islam, the Saudis. And, I am pleased to say, they fund most of the mosques in America.
I'm gonna force your children to pray to Allah in their schools as part of their diversity curriculum.
I'm gonna force all of you to wear my ID chips at all times.
I'm gonna take over this 2-bit planet...
(At this point the Antichrist began spitting fire and the interviewer burned up.)
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