By Jack Engelhard
February 6, 2006
(Caution: Proceed with satire.)
Jon Stewart, the original choice, had to pull out as host of the March 5 Oscars because of a groin injury. Instead, Osama bin Laden will serve as MC for the ceremony that is broadcast, as always, around the world to the millions and billions in their homes and in their caves.
The late replacement was announced by the Academy moments after the nominees were made public from a secret location in Hollywood. The selection of Mr. bin Laden to host the Oscars seemed logical after the Academy voted in two movies that offer the bright side of terrorism and romantically portray the longings to find love and murder Jews.
"We needed someone famous, a man with a particular sense of justice and jest, and we found him," said Academy spokesman Reginald Hubert. "He is a very funny guy, bin Laden." added Mr. Hubert, chuckling. (Distinguished UK MP George Galloway was considered for the job, but he also suffered a groin injury while lapping up milk like a cat during a British Reality TV show.)
Though famous, Mr. bin Laden has been a recluse for several years. Attempts (by the FBI and CIA) to locate him proved futile, until the IRS was called in. Agents discovered that Mr. bin Laden was behind on his taxes (his W-2 Form was improperly filled out) and, once set to the task, found him within a matter of hours.
Contrary to reports that he'd been secluded in caves in Pakistan or Afghanistan (along with J.D. Salinger and Bobby Fischer), Mr. bin Laden and his family have been penthouse guests at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. For the days leading up to the Oscars, however, Mr. bin Laden will be staying at the home of Barbra Streisand and James Brolin.
"This gives me such naches," said Ms. Streisand, while shopping for a burka on Rodeo Drive. "Pinch me, I'm kvelling."
Mr. bin Laden, however, will not be handing out the hoped-for Oscars for "Munich," nominated for Best Picture, or for "Paradise Now," nominated for Best Foreign Film. "Paradise Now" tells the touching story of two young suicide bombers on a mission to murder Israelis and their qualms of either that or the Prom. (It was Prom Night in Ramallah.) Munich tells the same touching story of aggrieved terrorists, but with a cast of thousands and a budget of some $70 million.
The presenter for those nominees will be the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, pronounced Ahmadinejad. Mr. Ahmadinejad will be staying with Geena Davis for part of his visit, but has also accepted an invitation to join Steven Spielberg and the Spielberg family, along with Tony Kushner, who co-wrote the screenplay for Munich, largely an account of 11 Israelis who were murdered at the Munich Olympics by sensitive and misunderstood Arab terrorists.
"Nobody's perfect," said Mr. Spielberg, the director of "Munich."
Mr. Spielberg's next movie, "Warsaw," about Jewish resistance against the Nazis in the Warsaw ghetto, asks this question: Why are Jews always making trouble?
In a joint interview, and speaking of "Munich" and "Paradise Now," Mr. bin Laden said, "A victory for either of these two films is a victory for Hamas and al-Qaeda."
"Yes," said Mr. Ahmadinejad. "Wipe Israel off the map, and death to America."
"He writes all this material all by himself," said an admiring Mr. Kushner.
"All Jews are pigs and all Christians are dogs," said Mr. bin Laden.
"There he goes again," said Ms. Streisand, laughing at another Mr. bin Laden quip, one of many he's rehearsing for the festivities.
"Terrorists are people, too," said Mr. Spielberg.
"People who need people are the luckiest people in the world," said Ms. Streisand.
"Kill the Jews," said both Mr. Ahmadinejad and Mr. bin Laden in unison.
"I'm sure they don't mean us," said Ms. Streisand from her cell phone.
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Special Note: Jack's Engelhard's political newsroom thriller, "The Bathsheba Deadline," is running as an exclusive online serial on Amazon.com for digital download. Parts 1, 2 and 3 are available now, or just visit Amazon.com and write "The Bathsheba Deadline" in the Search bar. And, once you're up to speed, the just-released Part 4 awaits. The rest of "The Bathsheba Deadline" will be featured on Amazon.com in monthly installments.
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